How to not get a job

How to not get a job
5 November 2020    Donnay Torr    0 comments
Don’t feel like making extra pocket money? Experienced enough at life, the universe and everything? Miss your couch and just want to binge Netflix and do nothing this summer? Here are 13 ways to make sure that you don’t land yourself a job…

Actually I really would like to earn my crust

1. Don’t apply for any jobs

Well, duh. If you’re not in the game, you don’t get to score a goal. Or sink the black. Or [insert suitable sporting metaphor here]. And then you don’t have to get up off the couch, ever. As those annoying meerkats would say, “simples”!

2. Apply for something way out of your league

What’s that saying, shoot for the moon, and if you fail, you’ll still land among the stars? We’re big proponents of this idea: apply only for senior roles or roles that earn the big bucks. Who cares if you have any of the qualifications or experience they want, or if you actually know what the job title means? Not us! Back yourself! May the odds be ever in your favour!

3. Don’t research the company you’re interested in

They all want the same thing anyway, right? Who cares if you actually like them or fit their culture – it’s just a job. It’s not like you’ll be spending loads of time there.

4. Apply with a shoddy resume

Or an old resume that you haven’t updated since, say, you were 14 years old. Don’t spell check it either, and don’t update your resume with your new and relevant information and experience. Nobody reads these things anyway. Here’s an idea: apply with someone else’s resume… That will stir the pot!

5. Lie on your resume

Chances are they won’t catch you out. And if you get the job based on a lie you can upskill really quickly to make up for the skills you lack. How hard can learning how to master an Excel spreadsheet or suture a headwound be?

6. Don’t write a cover letter

Employers just love receiving blank emails with old resumes attached. They’re psychic so they’ll know it’s you – and admire your confidence in feeling like you don't need to sell yourself to them.

7. Use a dodgy email address

Shadyboi69 sounds intriguing. So does Fuzzyorangeyak. They’ll definitely want to know more about you. All work and no play and all that jazz…

8. Don’t answer your phone

These old-school employers should know that you only communicate via smoke signals on TikTok or Discord. If they really want you to work for them, they should come find you, right?

9. Answer your phone, but sound drunk

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy bro! She’ll be right.

10. Arrive at the interview wearing yesterday’s gym outfit

They should be impressed that you take physical fitness so seriously. Dress codes are for suckers. So is washing your hair or brushing your teeth.

11. Fall asleep during the interview

“Imma let you finish, sir, but last night was a bender.”

12. Don’t arrive at the interview at all

Who has time for responsibility and commitment these days?

13. Give up

If at first you don’t succeed at landing an interview or getting a job, just give up. Who needs the hassle of a job anyway? 

If you follow these steps to landing a job, we guarantee you that you’ll have loads of time to spend at home this summer. Which is a good thing, because you’ll be out of pocket, too, which won’t take you places. Winning!

Feel like you actually do want to work? Try these techniques to help you land a job:

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